For some reason whenever I attempt to bare my breast in a non-licentious, non-exhibitionist kind of way, people don’t get anything I say. They generally seem to be of the same opinion that I’m lying about personal shit when I seriously open up, and that conversely, my occasional blather during casual chit-chats comes off more naturally as undeniable truths despite them being complete and utter bullshit that I’m starting to worry about the impression I give to people. It gets so frustrating sometimes that I hardly push myself to talk anymore, even when they ask. Honestly, it nettles, to the point that it affects the way I think about and deal with the persons involved in the issue at hand, and the way I think about myself as well.
Take for instance this past issue which everyone seems to be happy to let slide into oblivion. Personally, I thought it was kind of crappy the way “some people” chose to deal with it (me included), but yeah, with the direction things had taken, the best option was to pretend it never happened nor existed to begin with, and take that option, we all did. Or at least that’s how I’d like to think of it because that’s exactly how it seemed to me. I carried the heavy tail of it by myself for months before I was actually able to process it, shove it to that portion of my brain that chews unwanted memories like a paper-shredder, and discard it. And all the while people around me went on with their happy lives, none the wiser (or even remembers) or consciously grateful for it. But I wasn’t after that. I wasn’t after distinction or pity or gratitude or acknowledgement that I’d borne things quietly without a fuss. Because if I was, I’d have made a big deal out of it, publicized my anger at every opportunity, and made everyone’s life as miserable as I vindictively thought it should be back then.
And then, after I’d traversed through my own private hell and got back and I was finally ready to talk about it, nobody wanted to believe a word I said. No one was ready to believe that I’d gone through the right processes and moved on. I kept saying I’m not, I don’t, I’m done, and everyone kept replying you are, you do, and you’re not. Insisted, even, sounding as confident as if I was a precocious six year old trying to convince everyone I had myself all figured out when I hadn’t. Heck, you’d think I’m not in touch with my own brain.
Well, I stood up for the soundness of my mind and my sanity, or whatever was left of it. I vehemently denied everything they wanted to force to me and when they finally condescended to swallow the facts, I was tired of waiting I’d already decided to just tightly clam up. Until now I refuse to say even a single expletive (which I happened to have plenty of and once desperately wanted to uzi the appropriate recipients with) connected to the subject. I refuse to even have casual conversation with the party involved. I just want an end to the confusion perpetuating from my revelation of what I think I know about myself and what other people believe they know about me and my real state of mind emotionally with no less than a bewildering degree of certainty.
But I guess things turned out this way for good. I’m pretty happy with this type of setting. At least now we (me and the other party) can only get on each other’s nerves on unavoidable occasions, those being gatherings that require our respective presence. The fact alone that we have differing understanding of the word ‘friendship’ is enough reason to stall further proceedings related to it permanently and to avoid deprecating (and possibly destroying) the word with pointless pretences altogether. I just think continuing otherwise would be an insult to those around us who cherish the meaning of the word with all sincerity. Suffice it to say that I’m not going to apologize for the course of action I’ve taken, even if it means coming off as a bitter, spiteful bitch in your eyes, and I’ll satisfy myself with thinking you won’t either. Because frankly, after the stunts you’ve pulled which thoroughly convinced me that there is no such thing as an ‘honest conversation to settle things‘ in either of your vocabularies, there really is no point left in us talking now, is there?
